the cat

twice

i saw the cat

he looked sad

he was covered in ice

i tried brushing them off 

then i held him close

i didn't want him to feel cold

didn't want him to leave

have you eaten, Beethoven?

he still looked sad

when i realised

it was just a dream

i'm sorry they took you away, Beethoven.

Faith and Doubt

We all know the moment. We all know the path. The path when in certain times you have to make it alone. The one where you, only you are to decide. Such responsibility is huge, so you think. You look for others, but they don't matter. They will help you, that's good. But the point is when the moment comes, all you have is you. If you don't believe in yourself, then who else will? But it is a lonely, lonely path. You look at those who have made it, and wonder if you could make it too. It seems impossible. Now you doubt your own strength. You start to wonder why you are scared of your own light. But you forgot that it's okay to doubt, because "the one who never doubt will never truly believe" (Herman Hesse). 

30 Dec 89 - present

"...the memories of the moment you came to join 

our family kept running in my mind..."

I was awoken by his text. It was 5 am and I kept reading and all those thoughts just came in a flash, begging to be questioned and answered. Never on my birthdays did I think of what he was trying to say. Only today. You know, things like.. what happened before you were born... how was it like to have the thought of having me.. how did I respond to their love... did I even know that I am well-loved.. I really hope I do. The text just made me feel precious. It is such a peaceful feeling to have the words coming from his heart. It made me feel like I am here because of certain purposes. I don't know what they are, but at this age I think everyone knows a little something about their own - they will call you when you stray away, they will come to you when you deny them, they grow stronger when you follow them. The first sign is they give you joy and the second is they made you give joy to others too. When you have someone you respect, love and admire reminds you of your anonymous wonderful purposes, you can't help but get teary-eyed. It just makes you understand fully, how beautiful you were, are and will be.

"...it made me think of the journey of life till this moment 

and thank God, 

that's what you are today, honey."

-Dad.  

swing set

I like to be alone on a swing set

I like to lean on 

Be thrown and be flown

But still at my own pace

when i am swung to the front

my chin is all up

with the strength of the quiet wind

i am agile

with the force from the inside

i am up up and i cant help

but smile to the sky

the sky ain't blue today

but that's okay

when i am swung to the back

i am released 

an emotion overwhelms me

and what do i do 

the wind tells me i am scared

i fear and i'm afraid

but to fear is to indulge

in a form of unbelief

 i tell myself that it's okay

i'll have faith 

and i'll swing myself back up up again

Strangers, are they not?

Some strangers are not strangers after all. 

Sometime a few months ago, I was on my first day working as a Student Ambassador. It was an Open Day and the idea of talking to big groups of people was kind of freaking me out. I was waiting for my turn to lead a Campus Tour when our coordinator, Grace turned her back and whispered something to a senior ambassador. The ambassador then sat next to me and started talking about how my day has been and how I was feeling. I didn't really think about it but as we talked, I felt more at ease and less afraid of the day. Then, I realized what Grace was trying to do earlier. 

I was standing in front of the reception when a coach driver greeted me with a big smile, exclaiming "Cheer up, lady!" I must have been staring at the walls for too long, thinking too much and too hard about some bothering things. We then have a little chat and despite the dislike I have talking to strangers, at the end of it, I felt a release of a heavy feeling. It was just what I needed. 

I was waiting alone for the bus in front of ASDA when it rained heavily.  I stood outside of the bus shelter because it was too full. I had my waterproof hoodie on but the rain still found its way, splashing on my face and my jeans. Then I caught an old man staring at me. I smiled back and all that time I was trying to figure out what could he be thinking. Maybe I reminded him of his long-time Asian girlfriend (like what a mad man told me last time). The bus came and the man who was now standing close to me told me, "You could have gone inside the shelter, young lady." I smiled, feeling the sincerity of his words and the lovely feeling that went along with it.

"Be kinder than necessary, 

for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of a battle."

- Anonymous

I am a strong girl
but I can't
be strong for too long
At times I want
to be weak
and all I want
is to be saved

come sit with me.

Come sit with me and let me talk
about my insecurities
Even if I haven't told you yet
if you just sit with me
you'll understand why
Come sit and talk about
compassion, trust and pity
come sit and not judge
I can judge myself and that is harsh enough
come sit with me and promise me
that you'll keep this secret
you'll seal it as a covenant
Come sit and tell me
That you know the difference
of when I'm afraid and needing comfort
and when I'm afraid and
needing you to not know that I am
Come sit and tell me
You'll just smile and walkaway
Not because you're cruel
But because you trust me enough
And you respect
me as a normal being
subject to other insecurities
like you do, too.

='(

what could fill this emptiness

when this emptiness need not be filled in

neither do it need to be replaced

with plastic smiles

and fun times

along with new stuffs

or things to do

what is not there when there are plenty 

to be cheerful of?

you.

yes, i miss you.

I can but I can't.

I respect that you submit to the pain and  you give in just so others win. And you said you will keep resisting the pain because you know hope flies around at the end of them all. But if the pain keeps striking you back and the pain doesn't do you any good, doesn't that tell you something about that flying thing? And yes, if you want to be completely healed, the pill to be taken is the bitter one. And it is hurting to see that just when the bitterness is felt, you choose to spit it out and wail at the 'Why is this pill taste so bitter?' And if you already know that you can't even treat the symptoms with the bitter pill, then treat the disease. It will taste thousand times bitter but in return, it will bring a thousand times of hope flying around you. I am dying to help you but I can't. I can tell you but I can't make you. I am not in your shoes. I'm just standing here looking at you from the outside. Perhaps I am wrong. But if I'm right, please do something my friend. I can do nothing.  I can only help by trusting that whatever decisions you make, they are created by the wisest and the best knowledge that you own.

We have to let people make mistake,

and trust that they will realise it, 

and correct it in time by themselves. 

                                            -Mike Scholey.

Things and other things.

I would never forget the first time I got my clothes sold on eBay. It was heartbreaking.

I was not ready to say goodbye. And to force myself to do so, was so mean. I touched for the last time, the soft satin feel of my favorite dresses. And I kept worrying if the new owners will take good care of my precious skirts and love them as much as I do. I could not bear to wrap those little tops that carries with them memories from the past. And there I was, spending my afternoon, sobbing in front of the huge pile of clothes. I was not proud at all for selling the dearest things of mine. They were the best of my pride. 

Despite the repeating pain, I continued selling. And then one weird thing happened. A gentleman bought six dresses of mine saying his Lola would love to have them all. As if that was not enough a generous offer, he bid on this one blouse but insisted that I don't deliver it to him but kept the money 'if that would help me pay for college fee'. I was utterly speechless. How in the world did he know I was in need of an extra help here? And was he out of his mind to just give a stranger his money asking nothing in return? 

I thanked him for the millionth time, humbled by his kindness and the comforting message it brings when it comes to losing my attachment to things. And then it occurred to me that it took the small pain of losing my pride to receive such portion of a miraculous blessing. 

For as we loose our hold on visible things,

 the invisible become more precious.

                                                                -Elisabeth Elliot.