Beliefs and Respect

Living here has exposed me to certain cultures that are not typical in where I used to live. Last time, there's a picture in Facebook showing two pictures of the same man. The first showing him in a shirt with full-tattooed arms and the second is him in his work uniform - a doctor. 

A few years back, if I saw the tattooed him walking in the street, I'd say he's a drug addict or a criminal waiting to be found. Well living here changes my perception. In the hospitals, I saw doctors with the same image- tattoos all over their arms. In universities, lecturers have very casual personalities - some dressed up like painters or electricians, some happily use bicycles to class, some  use big motorbikes like street gangsters.  But when you have a sneak peak at their room, you'll find that they are professors having written excellent books and being active with international charity work in education.

 In the church, I met two pastors, husband and wife who have deep passion for fashion despite their love in serving the Lord. And by that I do not mean they wear fashionable robes to mass. They channel it outside the church, in a blogging community where they hope to inspire people in the art of fashion. In my workplace,  my cleaning supervisor never mentioned it until the last day of our work that he actually is one of the boss of the entire cleaning company. And that merely is a coincident because I asked about his surname. Have I not asked, he will never have mentioned it. 

All these stories tell me that 1) people are doing what makes them happy - tattoos, appreciation on the art of fashion, big bikers and being a cleaning supervisor 2) the one people uncomfortable with what they are doing is me. I am uncomfortable because people really really do what makes them happy, which is very rare in my community. Everyday, you'll hear stories about people condemning other people's belief, people justifying their own beliefs, people announcing their dissatisfaction over the details of other people's belief. All of these seem to shape a community like me - someone who is afraid of people making fun of her beliefs, someone who will turn defensive when people questioned her of her beliefs, someone who feels when her belief is right, all others are wrong, someone who feels the need to justify her belief so people know why she did what she did. 

But living here truly makes a difference. My almost 3 years here have taught me so much about culture and respect. It teaches me that wanting to understand about other people's belief does not necessarily mean you support them.  It teaches me to follow my heart's desires, but not to be overcomed by it. It teaches me about pride, about humility. It teaches me exactly what my lecturer said, that it is what you do not do in front of others that matters. And when someone is being disrespectful to others' beliefs, it too, makes me question - who really is insecure of their own belief?

A Teacher of Hope

As much as I'd like to stay and work here, I'd like to first teach the children of my own Iban + Bidayuh tribes who are often forgotten in the education stream and sometimes, do not even know what a school is. People here complain about working hard, but what I can say is that there are other people who work harder than them and still do not receive a tenth of what they here received. I've talked about Malaysian schools (in terms of facilities and resources) in one of the British classes and at the end there was silence, not the awkward silence but the one with pity and sympathy, which later continued with twirling of hairs, putting on lipsticks, battling of heavy eyelashes and the teacher's repetitive complaints of "Stop being silly." Some people are just born lucky, we can't argue that. What we can do is, to try to reach out for those who are born underprivileged. Your hands could be their only hope, and hope could be what they dreamed of everyday. I know, because these children are me, sometime in the past. 

if you know yourself,

you will not be harmed by what other people said about you.

-Arab proverb

the cat

twice

i saw the cat

he looked sad

he was covered in ice

i tried brushing them off 

then i held him close

i didn't want him to feel cold

didn't want him to leave

have you eaten, Beethoven?

he still looked sad

when i realised

it was just a dream

i'm sorry they took you away, Beethoven.

Faith and Doubt

We all know the moment. We all know the path. The path when in certain times you have to make it alone. The one where you, only you are to decide. Such responsibility is huge, so you think. You look for others, but they don't matter. They will help you, that's good. But the point is when the moment comes, all you have is you. If you don't believe in yourself, then who else will? But it is a lonely, lonely path. You look at those who have made it, and wonder if you could make it too. It seems impossible. Now you doubt your own strength. You start to wonder why you are scared of your own light. But you forgot that it's okay to doubt, because "the one who never doubt will never truly believe" (Herman Hesse). 

30 Dec 89 - present

"...the memories of the moment you came to join 

our family kept running in my mind..."

I was awoken by his text. It was 5 am and I kept reading and all those thoughts just came in a flash, begging to be questioned and answered. Never on my birthdays did I think of what he was trying to say. Only today. You know, things like.. what happened before you were born... how was it like to have the thought of having me.. how did I respond to their love... did I even know that I am well-loved.. I really hope I do. The text just made me feel precious. It is such a peaceful feeling to have the words coming from his heart. It made me feel like I am here because of certain purposes. I don't know what they are, but at this age I think everyone knows a little something about their own - they will call you when you stray away, they will come to you when you deny them, they grow stronger when you follow them. The first sign is they give you joy and the second is they made you give joy to others too. When you have someone you respect, love and admire reminds you of your anonymous wonderful purposes, you can't help but get teary-eyed. It just makes you understand fully, how beautiful you were, are and will be.

"...it made me think of the journey of life till this moment 

and thank God, 

that's what you are today, honey."

-Dad.  

swing set

I like to be alone on a swing set

I like to lean on 

Be thrown and be flown

But still at my own pace

when i am swung to the front

my chin is all up

with the strength of the quiet wind

i am agile

with the force from the inside

i am up up and i cant help

but smile to the sky

the sky ain't blue today

but that's okay

when i am swung to the back

i am released 

an emotion overwhelms me

and what do i do 

the wind tells me i am scared

i fear and i'm afraid

but to fear is to indulge

in a form of unbelief

 i tell myself that it's okay

i'll have faith 

and i'll swing myself back up up again

Strangers, are they not?

Some strangers are not strangers after all. 

Sometime a few months ago, I was on my first day working as a Student Ambassador. It was an Open Day and the idea of talking to big groups of people was kind of freaking me out. I was waiting for my turn to lead a Campus Tour when our coordinator, Grace turned her back and whispered something to a senior ambassador. The ambassador then sat next to me and started talking about how my day has been and how I was feeling. I didn't really think about it but as we talked, I felt more at ease and less afraid of the day. Then, I realized what Grace was trying to do earlier. 

I was standing in front of the reception when a coach driver greeted me with a big smile, exclaiming "Cheer up, lady!" I must have been staring at the walls for too long, thinking too much and too hard about some bothering things. We then have a little chat and despite the dislike I have talking to strangers, at the end of it, I felt a release of a heavy feeling. It was just what I needed. 

I was waiting alone for the bus in front of ASDA when it rained heavily.  I stood outside of the bus shelter because it was too full. I had my waterproof hoodie on but the rain still found its way, splashing on my face and my jeans. Then I caught an old man staring at me. I smiled back and all that time I was trying to figure out what could he be thinking. Maybe I reminded him of his long-time Asian girlfriend (like what a mad man told me last time). The bus came and the man who was now standing close to me told me, "You could have gone inside the shelter, young lady." I smiled, feeling the sincerity of his words and the lovely feeling that went along with it.

"Be kinder than necessary, 

for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of a battle."

- Anonymous

I am a strong girl
but I can't
be strong for too long
At times I want
to be weak
and all I want
is to be saved

come sit with me.

Come sit with me and let me talk
about my insecurities
Even if I haven't told you yet
if you just sit with me
you'll understand why
Come sit and talk about
compassion, trust and pity
come sit and not judge
I can judge myself and that is harsh enough
come sit with me and promise me
that you'll keep this secret
you'll seal it as a covenant
Come sit and tell me
That you know the difference
of when I'm afraid and needing comfort
and when I'm afraid and
needing you to not know that I am
Come sit and tell me
You'll just smile and walkaway
Not because you're cruel
But because you trust me enough
And you respect
me as a normal being
subject to other insecurities
like you do, too.