A Teacher of Hope

As much as I'd like to stay and work here, I'd like to first teach the children of my own Iban + Bidayuh tribes who are often forgotten in the education stream and sometimes, do not even know what a school is. People here complain about working hard, but what I can say is that there are other people who work harder than them and still do not receive a tenth of what they here received. I've talked about Malaysian schools (in terms of facilities and resources) in one of the British classes and at the end there was silence, not the awkward silence but the one with pity and sympathy, which later continued with twirling of hairs, putting on lipsticks, battling of heavy eyelashes and the teacher's repetitive complaints of "Stop being silly." Some people are just born lucky, we can't argue that. What we can do is, to try to reach out for those who are born underprivileged. Your hands could be their only hope, and hope could be what they dreamed of everyday. I know, because these children are me, sometime in the past. 

if you know yourself,

you will not be harmed by what other people said about you.

-Arab proverb

the cat

twice

i saw the cat

he looked sad

he was covered in ice

i tried brushing them off 

then i held him close

i didn't want him to feel cold

didn't want him to leave

have you eaten, Beethoven?

he still looked sad

when i realised

it was just a dream

i'm sorry they took you away, Beethoven.

Faith and Doubt

We all know the moment. We all know the path. The path when in certain times you have to make it alone. The one where you, only you are to decide. Such responsibility is huge, so you think. You look for others, but they don't matter. They will help you, that's good. But the point is when the moment comes, all you have is you. If you don't believe in yourself, then who else will? But it is a lonely, lonely path. You look at those who have made it, and wonder if you could make it too. It seems impossible. Now you doubt your own strength. You start to wonder why you are scared of your own light. But you forgot that it's okay to doubt, because "the one who never doubt will never truly believe" (Herman Hesse). 

30 Dec 89 - present

"...the memories of the moment you came to join 

our family kept running in my mind..."

I was awoken by his text. It was 5 am and I kept reading and all those thoughts just came in a flash, begging to be questioned and answered. Never on my birthdays did I think of what he was trying to say. Only today. You know, things like.. what happened before you were born... how was it like to have the thought of having me.. how did I respond to their love... did I even know that I am well-loved.. I really hope I do. The text just made me feel precious. It is such a peaceful feeling to have the words coming from his heart. It made me feel like I am here because of certain purposes. I don't know what they are, but at this age I think everyone knows a little something about their own - they will call you when you stray away, they will come to you when you deny them, they grow stronger when you follow them. The first sign is they give you joy and the second is they made you give joy to others too. When you have someone you respect, love and admire reminds you of your anonymous wonderful purposes, you can't help but get teary-eyed. It just makes you understand fully, how beautiful you were, are and will be.

"...it made me think of the journey of life till this moment 

and thank God, 

that's what you are today, honey."

-Dad.  

swing set

I like to be alone on a swing set

I like to lean on 

Be thrown and be flown

But still at my own pace

when i am swung to the front

my chin is all up

with the strength of the quiet wind

i am agile

with the force from the inside

i am up up and i cant help

but smile to the sky

the sky ain't blue today

but that's okay

when i am swung to the back

i am released 

an emotion overwhelms me

and what do i do 

the wind tells me i am scared

i fear and i'm afraid

but to fear is to indulge

in a form of unbelief

 i tell myself that it's okay

i'll have faith 

and i'll swing myself back up up again

Strangers, are they not?

Some strangers are not strangers after all. 

Sometime a few months ago, I was on my first day working as a Student Ambassador. It was an Open Day and the idea of talking to big groups of people was kind of freaking me out. I was waiting for my turn to lead a Campus Tour when our coordinator, Grace turned her back and whispered something to a senior ambassador. The ambassador then sat next to me and started talking about how my day has been and how I was feeling. I didn't really think about it but as we talked, I felt more at ease and less afraid of the day. Then, I realized what Grace was trying to do earlier. 

I was standing in front of the reception when a coach driver greeted me with a big smile, exclaiming "Cheer up, lady!" I must have been staring at the walls for too long, thinking too much and too hard about some bothering things. We then have a little chat and despite the dislike I have talking to strangers, at the end of it, I felt a release of a heavy feeling. It was just what I needed. 

I was waiting alone for the bus in front of ASDA when it rained heavily.  I stood outside of the bus shelter because it was too full. I had my waterproof hoodie on but the rain still found its way, splashing on my face and my jeans. Then I caught an old man staring at me. I smiled back and all that time I was trying to figure out what could he be thinking. Maybe I reminded him of his long-time Asian girlfriend (like what a mad man told me last time). The bus came and the man who was now standing close to me told me, "You could have gone inside the shelter, young lady." I smiled, feeling the sincerity of his words and the lovely feeling that went along with it.

"Be kinder than necessary, 

for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of a battle."

- Anonymous

I am a strong girl
but I can't
be strong for too long
At times I want
to be weak
and all I want
is to be saved

come sit with me.

Come sit with me and let me talk
about my insecurities
Even if I haven't told you yet
if you just sit with me
you'll understand why
Come sit and talk about
compassion, trust and pity
come sit and not judge
I can judge myself and that is harsh enough
come sit with me and promise me
that you'll keep this secret
you'll seal it as a covenant
Come sit and tell me
That you know the difference
of when I'm afraid and needing comfort
and when I'm afraid and
needing you to not know that I am
Come sit and tell me
You'll just smile and walkaway
Not because you're cruel
But because you trust me enough
And you respect
me as a normal being
subject to other insecurities
like you do, too.

='(

what could fill this emptiness

when this emptiness need not be filled in

neither do it need to be replaced

with plastic smiles

and fun times

along with new stuffs

or things to do

what is not there when there are plenty 

to be cheerful of?

you.

yes, i miss you.