A Teacher of Hope

As much as I'd like to stay and work here, I'd like to first teach the children of my own Iban + Bidayuh tribes who are often forgotten in the education stream and sometimes, do not even know what a school is. People here complain about working hard, but what I can say is that there are other people who work harder than them and still do not receive a tenth of what they here received. I've talked about Malaysian schools (in terms of facilities and resources) in one of the British classes and at the end there was silence, not the awkward silence but the one with pity and sympathy, which later continued with twirling of hairs, putting on lipsticks, battling of heavy eyelashes and the teacher's repetitive complaints of "Stop being silly." Some people are just born lucky, we can't argue that. What we can do is, to try to reach out for those who are born underprivileged. Your hands could be their only hope, and hope could be what they dreamed of everyday. I know, because these children are me, sometime in the past. 

if you know yourself,

you will not be harmed by what other people said about you.

-Arab proverb

the cat

twice

i saw the cat

he looked sad

he was covered in ice

i tried brushing them off 

then i held him close

i didn't want him to feel cold

didn't want him to leave

have you eaten, Beethoven?

he still looked sad

when i realised

it was just a dream

i'm sorry they took you away, Beethoven.

Faith and Doubt

We all know the moment. We all know the path. The path when in certain times you have to make it alone. The one where you, only you are to decide. Such responsibility is huge, so you think. You look for others, but they don't matter. They will help you, that's good. But the point is when the moment comes, all you have is you. If you don't believe in yourself, then who else will? But it is a lonely, lonely path. You look at those who have made it, and wonder if you could make it too. It seems impossible. Now you doubt your own strength. You start to wonder why you are scared of your own light. But you forgot that it's okay to doubt, because "the one who never doubt will never truly believe" (Herman Hesse). 

30 Dec 89 - present

"...the memories of the moment you came to join 

our family kept running in my mind..."

I was awoken by his text. It was 5 am and I kept reading and all those thoughts just came in a flash, begging to be questioned and answered. Never on my birthdays did I think of what he was trying to say. Only today. You know, things like.. what happened before you were born... how was it like to have the thought of having me.. how did I respond to their love... did I even know that I am well-loved.. I really hope I do. The text just made me feel precious. It is such a peaceful feeling to have the words coming from his heart. It made me feel like I am here because of certain purposes. I don't know what they are, but at this age I think everyone knows a little something about their own - they will call you when you stray away, they will come to you when you deny them, they grow stronger when you follow them. The first sign is they give you joy and the second is they made you give joy to others too. When you have someone you respect, love and admire reminds you of your anonymous wonderful purposes, you can't help but get teary-eyed. It just makes you understand fully, how beautiful you were, are and will be.

"...it made me think of the journey of life till this moment 

and thank God, 

that's what you are today, honey."

-Dad.