horrible

and the cat is unwell
and i am unhappy
and whatever curse i place upon them
who put the cat in such a horrible situation
the curse does nothing
changes nothing
and what do i do
i can't save everything i wanted
it's not how-things-work
but does how-things-work understand
the feeling of giving up on saving something
something so meaningful
so dear to the heart
or maybe that's the point
that the only means of saving
is in letting go

don't ever.

don't ever think that when people are happy, they are free from any pain. open your eyes. listen. really listen. real eyes will realise. real eyes will see. real eyes will understand. that one is happy because one is in the midst of fighting pain. so will the real eyes do a favor and help the fight, by being happy too?

one day i will walk the runway

today i have zero strength

but one day

i will walk the runway

today i am tested and poisoned

but one day 

the poison will be the reason

for my poised walk on the runway

today i have all the fear

but one day

i'll face the runway, strong and fierce

i'll be fearless

one day 

i will walk the runway

but you will not find me

 at the middle of the show

for i will be at the very end

because the very end

is my ultimate aim.

one day,

at the very end

of the runway

some time

 some day.

a boy thing.

when i was a teen, i had this obsessive desire to be a...boy. i think to be a boy, is cool. i still think so. boys always get what they want the way they want it, they can play football and get dirty with mud, they can eat real fast, boys with guitars and racing bikes are the kings of the coolest boys, boys are rough and i like that, boys are funny too - like really really funny and not like girls who always tell lame jokes, boys are tall, they are carefree and adventurous and they don't have to take care of themselves as much as girls do, boys don't have PMS. to describe my obsession -  i wore mostly black tees and cargo pants, painted my nails black and no other colour, had really short hair until i was out of high school, developed a massive hatred for the colour pink and girls who were extremely 'girlish', behaved and misbehaved like boys did, listened to all bands my brother was listening to, being called 'boy' once for really looking like a boy and you get the picture. and then time came and changed things. slowly, i realised that my wish to be a boy was too ambitious. and unreal. i think by that time, i had already given up wanting to be a boy, and just marry one instead. but up until now, i find at some points, i still have some 'boy thing' attached to me. i eat twice faster than Mark, i feel insecure with anything pink and i still want to have a racing bike on my own (although i know it's impossible due to my lack of height). i think i started to be thinking about this 'boy thing' after i chopped my hair off a few weeks ago. i just had to chop it off due to hair loss which was driving me nuts. but what amazed me was the feeling of having a short hair, again. it's like saying 'i'm back' to myself. it feels so free. it feels so... me. and i like that.

something in me.

so many things i want right now. by things, yes literally things. i love so many things. i'm the go-getter. i'll always try to get what i want. but lately there is something in me. something in me pulls me back when i try to get what i want. something in me keeps saying, 'no, not now'. it feels like something in me is someone else. it is not me. but i know it's part of me. but i'll wait because something in me tells me, there is a thousand fold of things waiting for me, if only i wait. right now, i'll follow something in me because something in me is always right, you see.

sudah terbiasa alasan bukan sempurna

sudah terbiasa hidupku bukan indah

A Piece from the Past

I found something I written 2 years back. And I thought I'd put it here. It amazes me of how much I have changed and how things began to slowly make sense right now. I was on the post break-up stage and to those  on the same stage, remember that nothing is meaningless in His Plan. Each little thing that has happened, no matter how hideous you feel about it, can be fitted into a pattern for good. And don't ever compare your life to others, because every little thing that comes blocking your way is already tailored for your personal needs.

So my little heart weeps.

March 25, 2010.

The present days have always left me thinking of the yesterdays. The noisy chats from friends have never failed to bother me with them. The engagement seemed so intense  that I was drowned to joined their conversations. I was a little afraid of friends because I was not used to  friends. It has always been me and him, but not me and my friends. I began by exploring the excitement in friends' eyes. This was like  a new world to me. I was like an afraid  child trying to fit in. How much friends could see it, I didn’t really know. It did not matter right now.

 Voices were vibrating through my ears as I listened to these lovely chats about hiking.

"…we were so eager to go up the mountain.."

" told that high above... on the mountain is a 7E shop…"

I was biting my nails. And looking at the reflections of the clouds on the windows. Friends were talking but all I could think of were  those little clouds that would complement me and him's going outs. The hand that would hold me when I crossed the road. The small chat that led to lies. And arguments. 

" ...we could only think of Slurpee and ice cream and didn't really think about the hiking…"

There were those dresses that I think were really cute. But was afraid to tell.  There were those spaces that I need but was too naive to explain.  There were those complicated things that he will never understand even if he asked me for the thousandth time. I didn't want to hurt him. So I hurt myself. And some days I felt like I actually enjoyed hurting myself. There were those days when I preferred to act dumb so situations will be suppressed by those little acts, so he won't even notice the sound of my heart weeping.

"..when we arrived on top we were told there was no shop…7E's just a lie…(laughs)"

I giggle and join the burst of friends' laughter. Along with it my little heart weeps. It weeps because it has known to be hurt so much.  It has gone through the pain without complaints. Not because it has faith. Because it has been too lost to know what faith is.  It has learnt to be stronger because  it has mastered the skill to gasp water along with air.  It has known too much and is sick of too much.

Maybe the memories will always try and find their way to hit me back. Maybe tears will dwell. Maybe time will let it fade.  Maybe not. Maybe time is needed to understand why it keeps on remembering the hurt, than the healing. Maybe that is just how the Lord wants to draw me closer. If it is, then draw me nearer  Sweet Lord for I have just begun to understand Your work.