I found something I written 2 years back. And I thought I'd put it here. It amazes me of how much I have changed and how things began to slowly make sense right now. I was on the post break-up stage and to those on the same stage, remember that nothing is meaningless in His Plan. Each little thing that has happened, no matter how hideous you feel about it, can be fitted into a pattern for good. And don't ever compare your life to others, because every little thing that comes blocking your way is already tailored for your personal needs.
So my little heart weeps.
March 25, 2010.
The present days have always left me thinking of the yesterdays. The noisy chats from friends have never failed to bother me with them. The engagement seemed so intense that I was drowned to joined their conversations. I was a little afraid of friends because I was not used to friends. It has always been me and him, but not me and my friends. I began by exploring the excitement in friends' eyes. This was like a new world to me. I was like an afraid child trying to fit in. How much friends could see it, I didn’t really know. It did not matter right now.
Voices were vibrating through my ears as I listened to these lovely chats about hiking.
"…we were so eager to go up the mountain.."
" told that high above... on the mountain is a 7E shop…"
I was biting my nails. And looking at the reflections of the clouds on the windows. Friends were talking but all I could think of were those little clouds that would complement me and him's going outs. The hand that would hold me when I crossed the road. The small chat that led to lies. And arguments.
" ...we could only think of Slurpee and ice cream and didn't really think about the hiking…"
There were those dresses that I think were really cute. But was afraid to tell. There were those spaces that I need but was too naive to explain. There were those complicated things that he will never understand even if he asked me for the thousandth time. I didn't want to hurt him. So I hurt myself. And some days I felt like I actually enjoyed hurting myself. There were those days when I preferred to act dumb so situations will be suppressed by those little acts, so he won't even notice the sound of my heart weeping.
"..when we arrived on top we were told there was no shop…7E's just a lie…(laughs)"
I giggle and join the burst of friends' laughter. Along with it my little heart weeps. It weeps because it has known to be hurt so much. It has gone through the pain without complaints. Not because it has faith. Because it has been too lost to know what faith is. It has learnt to be stronger because it has mastered the skill to gasp water along with air. It has known too much and is sick of too much.
Maybe the memories will always try and find their way to hit me back. Maybe tears will dwell. Maybe time will let it fade. Maybe not. Maybe time is needed to understand why it keeps on remembering the hurt, than the healing. Maybe that is just how the Lord wants to draw me closer. If it is, then draw me nearer Sweet Lord for I have just begun to understand Your work.
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