a boy thing.

when i was a teen, i had this obsessive desire to be a...boy. i think to be a boy, is cool. i still think so. boys always get what they want the way they want it, they can play football and get dirty with mud, they can eat real fast, boys with guitars and racing bikes are the kings of the coolest boys, boys are rough and i like that, boys are funny too - like really really funny and not like girls who always tell lame jokes, boys are tall, they are carefree and adventurous and they don't have to take care of themselves as much as girls do, boys don't have PMS. to describe my obsession -  i wore mostly black tees and cargo pants, painted my nails black and no other colour, had really short hair until i was out of high school, developed a massive hatred for the colour pink and girls who were extremely 'girlish', behaved and misbehaved like boys did, listened to all bands my brother was listening to, being called 'boy' once for really looking like a boy and you get the picture. and then time came and changed things. slowly, i realised that my wish to be a boy was too ambitious. and unreal. i think by that time, i had already given up wanting to be a boy, and just marry one instead. but up until now, i find at some points, i still have some 'boy thing' attached to me. i eat twice faster than Mark, i feel insecure with anything pink and i still want to have a racing bike on my own (although i know it's impossible due to my lack of height). i think i started to be thinking about this 'boy thing' after i chopped my hair off a few weeks ago. i just had to chop it off due to hair loss which was driving me nuts. but what amazed me was the feeling of having a short hair, again. it's like saying 'i'm back' to myself. it feels so free. it feels so... me. and i like that.